I battle depression. I have for all of my life that I can remember. Since I started the whole fitness journey, my derision has not been a huge deal. Sure, It will flare up form time to time, but it hasn’t been nearly as devastating and debilitating as it has been in my past.

Well, until the last couple of weeks.

Over the last couple of weeks I have had these episodes of dark and deep depression come over me. I feel terrible, helpless, worthless, as if I’m failing in all areas of life, and darkness (so much darkness). In the past I have learned copping mechanisms to deal with the depression and to keep myself in a safe place to get through it. That last few weeks have been different. Maybe I’m really trying to figure out who I am now and experiencing a sadness due to the loss of who I was. Maybe. Maybe not.

I’m not really sure what’s up, other than it hurts in deep ways. I’m not who I was and neither is my depression apparently.

Part of the battle for me is to not emotionally eat or buying things when I’m depressed. That’s what I do when I’m out of control. I eat and/or I buy things to make me feel better. This is NOT a good copping mechanism. This is a byproduct of my depression. A bad byproduct.

I’m not sure that I have any words of wisdom for anyone who is going through anything similar, because right now it’s kicking my butt, however I would encourage you and me to Keep Going. I don’t want to allow something else to win over me. I don’t want to say, “The hell with it all” and crash and burn. I want to keep moving forward. I want to see who I can become. I want to see me do things that I never thought possible. My desire is to Keep Going, regardless of what everything else is feeling and saying.

Remember the WHY!

Last night I chose to deal with my depression by lying on the floor and wishing I had the desire and/or the ability to get up but I couldn’t. I just stayed there until I could get up emotionally. BUT, I got back up! You can too.

When it all goes to hell, Keep Going!


  1. You amaze me Jacob. You lay it all out there for all to see.
    That is truly a STRONG thing to do.
    Please know that YOU are an inspiration to many who also struggle with depression but do not have the STRENGTH to be open about it. Depression is a sneeky devil. It lerks around in the corners of our life and grabs hold of you when you are most vulnerable.
    When all seems dark, please give yourself a BIG HUG. You are our hero.

    Liked by 1 person

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