This Saturday I will enter the competition floor… by myself. I’ve done it before with my partner; (The Amazing Justin York) and while Team Vicious and Delicious had a great run last year, this Saturday I don’t have a team mate. This will be my first individual competition. (It’s a 100% scaled competition btw)
To say that I’m nervous would be an understatement. Each time I allow myself to think hard about it, I nearly have a panic attack and feel as if I could vomit!
I don’t know what it is about this weekend… maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have anyone to hold my hand, maybe it’s my highly competitive nature that wants to push so hard with the fear that it might not be enough, or maybe it’s the loneliness of the individual-ness of this competition. Either way, and maybe all of the above, it has messed me up all week. It all might be some emotional baggage that still causes me to think I’m less-than, and maybe this might be an opportunity to grow and learn. I don’t know… I just know that I might have a heart attack if I can’t stay distracted by other things.
Full discloser of my inward struggle, but I’ve struggled consistently with thinking that I’m not good enough. In fact, it’s my go-to personal beat down. There have been pinnacle moments in my life where I have canceled myself out because I thought I wasn’t good enough and therefore shouldn’t even try. I’ve said no to things throughout my life because I was worried about not being good enough. Even now, when things aren’t going well with me I assume that I’m simply not good enough. When my kids act out, I feel like I’m not a good enough parent. When I miss a lift that should be easy, I feel like I’m not good enough to lift weights. When a tough WOD comes my way, I fear that I’m not good enough to complete it. When my wife is unhappy about home stuff, I feel like I’m not good enough.
You know what?
I hate not being good enough.
That’s why so often in my life I don’t do new things or don’t try my hardest… because I fear that my best will not be good enough.
Do I believe it or do I do something about it? Do I let it control my choices or learn something new about myself?
Four years after starting CrossFit and I still wonder if I’m good enough to do it, to compete, and maybe one day to coach. The reality is that I’m completely good enough to participate and compete in CrossFit, and I prove that every week to myself… AND YET… the past still talks. It still brings doubt and it still tries to tell me differently.
While my doubt puts up walls around me… maybe for self protection… my role is to break those walls down for a greater and more fulfilled life. Life inside walls is not the life I desire; it’s a prison that doubt keeps me locked inside. What walls are keeping you from living your best life? What walls do you need to break down? What actions can you do to break into a new reality in your life?
Well… into the fold I go. Wish me luck and pray I don’t die. (seriously, it’s going to be like 97 degrees that day and we are competing outside)
If anyone is in Murfreesboro this Saturday, come by CrossFit Rampage and holla at me! (9a-5p) Look for the purple tent! I’m bringing a sledge hammer to break through some walls!