I few weeks back, I had this “episode” where I felt empty, apathetic, and unemotional. I don’t know that anything brought it on or even that I was in a bad place. Truth be told, I’ve been feeling great lately. I’ve had some success in workouts and competitions… everything was going really well. Despite all that great, I was empty and I spent a few days there in my emptiness.
It was weird and yet familiar. I’ve been there before and yet it was new and strange. The good news is that I didn’t get sidetracked and was able to stay focused on my life and the way I wanted to live. It eventually passed, yet the memory lingered for a while.
So… why did I wait so long to write about it?
I didn’t have a resolve for it. I don’t like to write and leave things hanging for other people to deal with, or for people to feel sorry for me, or try to encourage me. I want to write in a way that helps things progress forward. I also wasn’t in a place where I had processed through what it was in order to write about it.
It seems to have been a manifestation of my usually mental issues. Maybe a form of my depression that tried to take over my life. I don’t know. I know it was real and that it was something that I walked through in a challenging way. My mental issues are weird, like much of the way I live life… as a weirdo. lol. I’m fully aware of what is happening and how I’m feeling, yet helpless to stop it or make it better. I can both feel what I’m going through and yet know it’s not the truth for my life. I’m simply present in this thing and although I can see out of it, I can’t emotionally get there. I don’t want to live like that and yet I’m powerless to it’s power. I would love to say that I have figured out the tools to stop such things form happening, but I don’t. I’d love to say that I have the answer to be able to pull one’s self out of emptiness and depression, but I don’t. I want it to be an easy answer. I want it to be fixable. I want to never have depression, but that’s not my reality.
What do I do? Accept it, tolerate it, and/or fight it?
I simply keep going. I have to continue to tell myself over and over again that the way I’m feeling is not the end of my story. It’s not even the main headline. It’s just a brief interlude or interruption in my life. I’m not defined by my illness or my inabilities. I am defined by my movement forward and my wins along the way.
What’s your most recent win? Did you celebrate it? Did you post it?
Life is not an instagram account that shows be best parts. Life is everything that happens in between the posts and in between the highlights. It’s the conversations that can’t be boiled down to a photo or blurb. It’s the unexpected hug from a friend. It’s the encouragement you give people when you’re honest about your own life. It’s the intimate connections with other people.
Pursue that and Keep Going!