Over the lat few weeks I have SUCKED at nutrition… maybe even more than a couple of weeks. I think my depression kicked up and I was in a really crappy place. I have been stressed and pushed to my max and was sick and tired of worrying about food.
If I’m being real with you, the stress of food planning, logging, implementation, travel, and trying to plan ahead for eating out sucks. It’s hard work and at times it will not seem worth it.
I have been so stressed and life has felt so thin that I just stopped working at it. I slacked off. I just wanted to worry about one less thing and that was the only thing I could control enough to let go of… so I did.
The weird experience that I had with the whole thing was that I stopped unconsciously. Sure! All that I just said about my feels was true… it was exactly how I felt, but I got into my predicament unconsciously.
Am I just making this stuff up?
I’m serious. It was a totally unconscious choice. Yet, I was aware of the choices I was making…
Now I’m making NO sense.
Just hang on for a minute… I’ll come right back to this….
In English we learn about the third person reference. It’s where we talk about ourselves as if we are someone else. For instance: Instead of saying “I” or “me”, I would say “Jacob” when talking about myself. like…
“Jacob is tired and Jacob needs to go to bed.” (Third Person)
as opposed to
“I am tried and I need to go to bed.” (First person)
Why the grammar lesson?
Well, that’s how I felt. I was present making choices. I knew they were bad choices. I would have this inner dialog about being better, stronger, and more disciplined… yet, I wouldn’t stop. It was as if I was watching a TV show of my life and no matter how much I screamed at the TV, I couldn’t change what was happening on the TV. Hell, maybe I had a psychotic break… I don’t know.
Has anyone else had this experience? Have you felt similarly?
I really don’t know what it was. I know that I was dealing with depression, but this was an extra bonus…. just not a good bonus. A really crappy Christmas Bonus.
I’m out of the fog now. I’m getting pumped about the new year. I’ll write more about that tomorrow.
I fought my way back into my own life, or my head, or my present tense… what ever it was, I never stopped fighting. I never assumed this was my new reality. I’ve learned that my present circumstances are NOT my future.
That’s true for each of us.
Where you find yourself today does not have to be the story of your future.
Much of my life I assumed that I was helpless… that I was big boned… that I was always going to be fat… that I couldn’t ever do a rope climb, pull up, do toes to bar, win comps, be an athlete, or even be picked to be on peoples teams because of my ability and not my size. My future is still undetermined. My today is not my future and I can’t wait to see what happens next.
The worst part is never our last part….