The beginning of January started great! I lost weight coming out of The Eating Season and my drive was high! I was ready to concur the world and become a CrossFit Games Athlete (Not really, but do some cool stuff at least).
The two weeks after my great check-in, I was right on par. I was eating according to my plan. I even had a conference in Florida were I ordered special requests at every restaurant and bought snack groceries for the snack meals. My breakfast at iHop cost $16+ each day because I had to order A’ la carte (So many eggs!). I did everything right! Everything. I spent to money and made my plans. I had ZERO cheats! I had countless opportunities to eat bad-for-me foods and passed on it all. I even dropped into a box while I was there. I felt confident and hopeful that this check-in was going to put me into the 200’s. I was ready to see that number… and then.
NOPE! I gained one pound and some change. I was PISSED! I didn’t deserve that… I earned something better… I deserved a lower number… I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!
Jamie did his best to talk me off the ledge (He’s really great at reading my faces), but my mind was swirling. Where did I go wrong? What did I do? Did I sleep walk to a cake store and eat cake each night? What the HELL!?
I’d love to say that I eventually prayed trough it and just kept the course… but I didn’t.
I, once again, delved into the depths of my dependance and bad relationship with food for help. I wanted to E’ff it all. I just wanted to stop trying so hard and give up. I wanted to do what I wanted to do! I went to a place called Calypso Cafe for lunch. I had black bean nachos with beef and they were awesome! Then I got a piece of carrot cake brownie afterwards.
Although it was great tasting food and something I haven’t had in a long while, I didn’t feel better.
I was disappointed in myself.
Sure, I didn’t go to a Chinese buffet and really go to work, I chose a place where I could go crazy within limits… but that’s not the issue. The food gave me nothing but regret. Food, once again, let me down and did not deliver on what it promised within my addiction. It left me worse.
I went and recorded a Podcast and we talked about my weight and health. I felt like I was such a faker… like I was living a lie. All that I stand for, I flushed down the toilet because I couldn’t hold my stuff together.
For the rest of my day, my disappointment with myself was building ever higher. I ended up at home. I ate dinner according to my plan. That night… the demons returned for more… I was beating myself up so bad that I wanted to do more damage. I ate regular ice cream, candy, and anything else that I could find that wasn’t on my plan. I didn’t care and I just wanted to self sabotage. Why? Maybe because I came to think I wasn’t worth it or that I was a failure. I wanted to punish myself more.
That’s the sickness talking. That’s the part that no one wants to talk about. That’s the powerless food gaining ultimate power in my life. That’s me giving authority to food. That’s how messed up this whole thing is with food.
It goes so much deeper than just food and taste. Obesity is an addiction that is anchored so deep within that maybe it never goes away. Maybe it always has to be attacked and beat back. Maybe it’s something so engrained… so culturally normal that it’s impossible to leave completely behind. My addiction is still a daily battle and the moment I allow myself to think myself to be less than I am, it overtakes me. It comes in and reasserts it’s power.
That was all Friday. The rest of the weekend I stuck to my food plan with the exception of snacking on some homemade granola mix. The whole weekend was a fog of me trying to regain some kind of control back from where I threw it all away.
This week I have been back to my new-normal self. I’ve stayed on plan and my life is returning to normal. I still feel defeated and far less powerful than before, but I’m feeling better about myself. I’m refocused on my goals and fighting the tough fight.
The weekend is over and I can’t change what had happened, but I can change what happens today. I can choose to be different today. That’s important.
Numbers and food shouldn’t matter so much, but they do. I don’t know what to do about that. Any thoughts?
So… that’s the ugly of this journey. I promised not to hold back and be honest with you always. I typed with my all the emotions and without holding back, with the exception of a few more cuss words that I left out. Sometimes this journey SUCKS. It hurts to find out that you still have a lot of work to do from the inside out. But… that’s why I’m here. I’m willing to do the work and expose the brokenness within me. Maybe it will help other people see that they aren’t alone. Even in a crowded room I feel alone sometimes. Do you?
One of the big things I know about myself is that I have no idea how to ask for help. I have so many people around me to cheer and love me through this journey but I internalize it all. Why? Because I have no idea how to ask for help. I don’t even know how people can help. How do you ask for help with the really fragile and personal stuff?
This week I’m done feeling sorry for myself and I’m moving forward with passion and drive to Keep Going! I hope you all are still killing your goals for this year. I believe we can all achieve them if we can work together. Interested?