Here I am in my final year… the final count down. Will I be Fit by 40?
Last week I turned 39 and I can’t help but be overwhelmed with self-imposed pressure. On one hand, I love the pressure. On the other hand, I’m scared to fail. It’s that tension that I deal with on a daily basis. After a little over a year into this journey I have been blown away by the support, love, and backing from so many people. It’s mind blowing and humbling.
This year I hope to tell my story to as many people as possible… to share hope and encouragement for others who timidly take a step to gain health in their lives. Honestly I don’t know where I’m going on this journey, exactly, but I have loved to process. It’s been one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
Back when I was 415+ plus pounds, I was desperate and wanted something easy or quick to fix me. I attended surgical meetings where doctors would discuss all the options for surgeries to alter the inside of my body. After going to these information meetings I was scared to death. The down sides to surgeries and the life after surgeries seemed horrible. I researched drugs and read up on herbal treatments to melt away fat. All of those have side effects and possible tragic outcomes that still seemed worse then just eating myself to death. Plus, most of them are fake!
I remember loosing hope. I remember feeling helpless. I remember being scared.
If I wanted to change… If I wanted my body to change… If I wanted to live, what would I be willing to do?
That’s the answer we all give… we’d do anything to change our current reality when we are desperate.
The problem is that desperation is temporary and life change is something that requires consistency and actual life change. It can’t be temporary… it needs to be near permanent.
Those of us who are morbidly obese can’t play around at weight loss. Playing around won’t work. It’s like stoping to use drugs but only for a week or a month. Those of us who are morbidly obese must change our lives… for life. We too are addicts.
Here I am, round two of my weight loss journey and over a year into it.
Is it easier? No.
Is it harder? No.
Everyday at 4am I go through all the reason why I don’t need to go work out.
Everyday I see food that I want to eat.
Each week I want have a cheat day like the skinny people.
Each week I have days that I want to emotionally eat a truck load of food.
Every week I want to drive into the chips and salsa at our weekly Mexican Monday Lunch.
Every time I go to a party or an event I want to eat the snacks and all the bad food.
Everyday I’m surrounded by people more fit than me, eating whatever they want, and drinking whatever they want.
Every night we have candy, ice cream, and other sugary things in my house and I could choose to eat everyone of them.
BUT. I. DON’T!
Because my lifestyle has made it easier? Because I am seeing great results from hard work? Because I’m stronger than most people? NO!
It’s because each morning I wake up and fight the demons away by choosing to love myself. Today I choose to love myself beyond my emotions. Today I choose to value me as a blessing and a gift. Today I choose to think of myself, not as junk or an accent, but a purposefully made human who is worth the effort.
Everyday I Keep Going because I’m not 40 yet… because I want to see what can happen if I really choose to love myself instead of hate myself… because today I might surprise myself… because I can do anything for one more day.
I still struggle every day. I still have to choose to be different every day. It’s tough and most days I want to quit… but I am learning to love myself and that changes everything.
You too are a wonderfully and purposefully created human, now go and choose to love yourself!