It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted something. Sorry about that.

Let me answer a few questions…

No I have not quit, given up, or gained all the weight back. haha!

I’ve had a TON of inner conflict going on. I haven’t been able to put my finger on what my problem is and therefore can’t sort out how to attack it. Back to this in a little bit.

First I want to sort a few things out since I have seen an influx of new readers. Part of the reason I haven’t been writing is because I don’t want the concern, but I do want the companionship with those going through there own journey. My blog is about my personal fitness journey and life change. The important thing to remember is that this is not a cry for help, nor do I write this blog for people to reach out to fix me. I write this blog in order for me to process through my life change as well as be a voice for other people going through life changes. So read away but please don’t think that what you read is any kind of open door for someone to come try to “fix me”. If you want to have a conversation, email, or text about life and the struggles of change:  bring it on! BUT please don’t try to reach out and fix me. I have a team around me and I’m good. This is simply a part of the journey for me. Thanks for understanding! With that being said, If you are a professional who whats to be a part of my journey, I’m open to conversations. I actually love those conversations because it allows me an outlet to get my story out there to help others.

Back to the last few weeks…

My body started acting out, slowly… every once and a while I would eat something outside of my plan. I didn’t obsess over it, but I did notice. Slowing that little something became more regular and more regular. Then it evolved into daily breaking my plan to add something here and there that wasn’t part of my plan. Maybe an extra carb or something. Nothing too crazy, but also beyond my plan. The shame has overwhelmed me, the fear of failure has been constant, and the energy around my journey has dwindled. I’ve been in this extreme fight for survival. My body knew I was going through something before my mind. Pretty crazy and cool that our bodies are like that! I’ve been concerned about having a mental breakdown, I’m nursing some injuries, and we have gotten a few bits of bad information that have all contributed to a downward spiral toward failure.

I’ve written some about the cost of weight loss. It’s an expensive thing. (Of course so are extreme medical bills from obesity related issues) Once you add the nutritionist, gym membership or CrossFit, chiropractor or PT, ROMWOD, home equipment, supplements and vitamins, organic food, travel drop ins, and counseling (Some people have added more and some people do it with less) it adds up to an expensive thing. Within this journey we can be stopped because of financial reasons. The cost being so high can easily have catastrophic consequences to one’s fitness journey. No doubt! Why, because it’s easier to sacrifice our own needs for the sake of the whole family. When the budget gets tight, we take the hit. Often times, the fitness journey is the first to go. Before the Cable, the Netflix, and the Hulu… we cancel our gym memberships. Can kids grow up without TV programming? Yes. Can kids grow up with physically handicapped parents due to obesity?  Yes. Which is better for your kid(s)? To have physically able parents who are active or know all the pop culture of the world?

So…

Here’s the short end of why I’ve been silent: I’m having inner conflict. Things are coming on within me and I can’t figure out what my hangup is in order to deal with it. Something from my past is trying to break through into my present to be dealt with and I can’t get to it. It’s as if it is just out of reach. I can’t pinpoint it, I can’t figure it out, and I can’t flight where I can’t focus. I probably need professional help. Therapy is Good!

In the midst of my inner fight, we recently received news of our extreme miss calculations for our taxes last year. We thought we where on track for a good year last year, but boy were we wrong! Fun times! My wife and I are both self-employed and with that comes taxes calculations that haven’t been “normal” since we both got into this self-employment gig. Each year we have had changes to our income and clearly our estimates were WAY off for last year. This is forcing us to make some hard choices for the of this year on what we put our money toward. It sucks! We will have to make cuts. This being my final push toward 40, this bring a whole different level of stress and the fear of failure within me.

Have I set myself up to fail? Am I going to spiral out of control? Will I not even have the chance to make my goals? Can I do it on my own? Have I waisted my time, energy, and the investment from others? Have I built this platform to now fail in the last 9 months?What if, what if, what if?

Currently I’m in a cave of darkness, but I’m looking for the light to follow out. I haven’t given up and I’m not accepting defeat. Things will be different moving forward and I think I can do it. By now, you know that I will Keep Going… I’m just not sure how yet.

What do you do when you feel hopeless, stressed, and/or in a dark place?

Am I being to honest and vulnerable or does it really help others on this journey? Life happens and sometimes it’s not pretty. Sometimes it sucks! I think life change is this way… it’s tough and full of struggle. I guess that’s why so many have failed before. I know that’s why I’ve failed before. Even though it sucks sometimes… Keep Going!

4 Comments »

  1. Read your blog for the first time today! Hooray for your every effort! I didn’t read anything that I personally haven’t experienced on some level as well. Heavier than I’ve been in my life, I am at a decision crossroad. I’ve given everything since I was a little kid to the care of others. I love a quote by Erma Bombeck that goes something like this…I’ve lost enough weight in my lifetime that for all intents and purposes, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet! Sad but true. I’m rebellious to all weight loss rules. Hang in there! Your story encourages me! No fixing involved lol!!

    Like

  2. Oh Jacob, thank you for your honesty. I have struggled with past demons, shame and fear and depression as well. Your sharing actually helps me see where God has guided me in the past. Thank you and my prayers are with you.

    Like

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